


in the swampy december dawn

by orphan_account



Series: holocene [3]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: It's letters to luke so he's not technically there, M/M, jack and alex from atl appear later so that's a plus, so there u go, student!ash, this is him studying abroad for a year and writing back to luke for the last half of the trip
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-20
Packaged: 2018-02-13 12:45:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2151240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>six letters that ashton wrote to luke, but never sent, while he was gone to america.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 16th december 2014

**Author's Note:**

> These are all already written out by hand, so I'll toss them up as I get them typed out. Enjoy babes!

16th December, 2014

Luke,

We haven’t spoken since I left. I’m sorry.

It’s been a few months. A crazy few months. I can’t wait to tell you about them when I get home.

When I get home. That still feels so far away. I’m so sorry. I hope your music is doing well. I hope you’re doing well.

I heard about the crazy weather back home. Must really be a doozy, huh? Haha. I miss it. I miss you.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’m not going to send it. That would be unfair. Which, sounds weird, I guess. But it would. I’m the one that left so abruptly. I’m the one that didn’t let us completely talk it out. I’m the one that just jumped on a plane in the middle of the fucking night. Not you. That’s all my burden to bare, not yours. Still, I hope you don’t hate me now or something. I’m sorry.

I just really need to talk to you. Even if I’m not really talking to you. You’re all I’ve known for so long it feels so weird to, just, all of a sudden, not. Not know what you’re up to, not talk to you. It feels especially weird to not wake up to you. Funny story, first night of the trip, I woke up in the middle of the night really freaked out because I couldn’t feel you next to me. Okay, not that funny. But. Maybe that’s like your little piece of revenge or some shit. I don’t know. I just really miss you.

You’ll always be the most important thing to me. Not the stupid western marine systems. I was dumb to leave. Or, at least, leave like I did. We could’ve at least kept in touch if it was on good terms. Jeeze, I’m stupid. Fuck, I’m sorry, Luke. You’re never gonna know how sorry I am.

Tonight I was laid awake, wishing you were in my arms. Wishing we were together. Wishing I could kiss you. It doesn’t even matter where we are, I realized. You could be here, I could be there. We could be stranded in the middle of fucking Iceland for all I care. It’s not the place. It’s you. You’re home.

This entire letter is just one big cluster of angst and gooey bullshit and you’d laugh at me a lot if you ever read it.

Maybe one day.

You’re literally my everything. Five more months.

I love you more than I ever thought was possible,

Ashton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading the next one will be up tomorrow when i wake up since it's 2am and i've spent a lot of time on this already lmao
> 
> the next one is slightly longer, and the rest sort of detail what's going on and reflect a little bit on lashton's life together!!


	2. 23rd january 2015

23rd January, 2015

Luke,

Christmas didn’t feel right without you. Kinda knew it wouldn’t, though. We’ve spent this particular holiday together since I was thirteen and you were eleven. Without you it just felt like something big was missing. Like one giant gaping hole. Like someone forgot the tree or stockings or something. It just wasn’t _right._

We actually didn’t expedition that day, or the day prior. No one really knew what to do since we were all so far away from home. It took a little while of us students complaining, but eventually the head scientist, Dr. Berkstead, suggested we rent out some tiny motel down the street. It was peaceful and pretty cozy. Two of the other students, Jack and Alex, did their best to keep the mood light. They’re pretty cool dudes.

So it was nice. But it just wasn’t you.

It was baking in your upstairs when your fan was broken and watching A Charlie Brown Christmas and Home Alone until the early hours of the morning. It wasn’t shitty too-flour-y excuses for Santa’s cookies crumbling in Harry’s hand before he could take a bite and you laughing from the couch at his surprised squeak. It wasn’t sweaty fat santa jokes and it definitely wasn’t carols on the beach with you and your guitar. It wasn’t home. (Y’know, except for the tiny jar of vegemite Bethany was able to score from some weird international store a few blocks over. The cashier put on his best Aussie accent and sang ‘I come from a land down under’ as she paid. It was hilarious.)

So, yeah. We ate and talked and sang and it was cold and I missed you. I missed you so much I wanted to scream all day and it was horrible. Whatever. There will be more Christmases. Hopefully back home and filled with you again.

New Years was an entirely different story.

We had the latter half of the 31st off. Jack insisted we go out partying.

Can’t ever say no to Jack, haha. (You’re really gonna have to meet this guy one day you’d think he was hilarious.) But honestly, I probably should have.

Everything was fine until about half way through the night. 5 beers and 1 Sex On The Beach in. (Shut up, it was fruity and delicious and you _know_ you’ve always wanted to try one.)

Some little blonde Portland Uni student started to chat me up. It was all good and well until she tried getting a little frisky. I told her pretty firmly that I was taken and very happy (I miss you). When I looked up she looked so disappointed. My stomach lurched and I had to run to the bathroom to avoid puking all over her and the bar counter.

It wasn’t even the booze that did it. It was that look. She had your eyes, all baby blue and hurt. The same eyes you had when I told you I had to leave on this trip. I was so stern and final after that hug argument we had and you just… you looked so sad. Like I had betrayed you. It makes me sick now even thinking about it. I can’t believe I did this to you.

Fuck. I’m so sorry, Luke.

I guess I’m going to keep writing you, as evidence of this letter’s existence. It just feels so nice to talk to you. To get this all out. You spend so much of your life talking to someone every day that it becomes so incredibly strange and hindering when you all of a sudden can’t, I guess. I think I already touched on that. Whatever. It's just really weird, okay?

I hope you spent your holidays with your family. I hope you had fun. I hope you’re doing well.

4 more months.

I love you,

Ashton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ash is just a big ball of emotions
> 
> thanks for reading!! xx


	3. 13th february 2015

13th February, 2015

Luke,

We were out at the crack of dawn this morning on the bow of the boat. Alex, Jack, Beth, me, and a few of the other students. We wanted to see the dolphins that supposedly take some pretty impressive jumps early in the morning, here off the coast of Washington. It was cold as all get out, and maybe a little too early, but we had hot coffee and the promise of gorgeous marine life, so I’d chalk it up to an at least half okay experience.

The sun started to rise eventually, and that’s when we saw the first dolphin. Everyone was so psyched because it got so close to the boat, almost like he was sailing right along with us. It was amazing.

But as soon as the sun peaked over the horizon and lit up the ocean and shaded the sky orange and pink and the lightest blue, all I could think of was you. You sitting on the porch of the new house at 5am, still giddy that we finally got to live to together, watching the morning light spill into our little rural neighborhood over your favorite acoustic Gibson. You laughing when I spilt juice all over your pants because I still wasn’t used to the raised edge of our doorway. I spend a lot of this trip thinking about you.

And, y’know, funny enough, it doesn’t hurt as much as it did, I think. In fact, it made me smile. I love remembering our stupid little things. I love remembering you.

And I’m going to love seeing you again, even if you want nothing to do with me.

3 and a half more months.

Love you lots,

Ashton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick query; would anyone like to see a seventh letter that luke wrote to ashton during the time that he was gone, as sort of an epilogue, tie up thing?? this whole series has been from ashton's pov so far so it might be interesting to hear from luke. please let me know down in the comments or over at my tumblr, irwincurls.tumblr.com !!
> 
> thanks for reading babes!! xx


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